Star Wars: A Drunk Tale
by Jay'sWings
Summary: Han and Leia are married! The Emperor's wearing pink robes! Luke's light saber is red, and Darth Vader has made some interesting friends! The galaxy's greatest must now piece together what happened the night before while dealing with hangovers! Rated M because of drinking, and just to be safe!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this! Star Wars is not my idea and belongs to George Lucas, Lucasfilm, and all other rightful and respected owners!

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_Star Wars: The Drunken Tale_

_Part 1: A New Morning_

It was dark when Luke opened his eyes. Almost immediately, he closed them again in pain. The small crack of light that was making its way from behind the curtain was so blinding to Luke, for whatever reason. Wait, curtains? The Millennium Falcon didn't have curtains!

At least, that was where Luke last remembered being in. When he tried to remember what had happened the previous night, he instantly became nauseas and exhausted.

"Ugh," Luke muttered as he slowly lifted himself off the ground. "What happened last night?" Opening his eyes again, Luke finally adjusted to the light and looked around. He appeared to be on the floor of a hotel room of some sort. But a hotel room where? He didn't remember going to a hotel; then again, he didn't remember anything. The only thing he could recall was that he and his friends had just rescued Han from Jabba the Hutt. Cautiously pulling up the memory, he remembered agreeing to fly to Dagobah with Leia and Han, who had been eager to meet Master Yoda. Lando and Chewie had decided they would go back to the Rebel Alliance and help out as much as possible. But after that, it all went blank for Luke.

A soft creaking sound startled Luke, and the boy jerked his head over to one of the beds, where he had first neglected to see the slight figure lying there.

"Ow," Leia mumbled. "What in the world?"

"Leia," Luke breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wasn't in this strange place alone.

"Luke," Leia stuttered. "Don't talk so loudly."

"Sorry," Luke whispered, having given himself a headache. By the Force, what was going on? Why was he feeling like this?

Making his way over to the bed where Leia was lying on, Luke began to help his friend up. Sitting Leia upright, Luke watched as she opened her eyes slowly.

"Ah, that light," Leia squinted her eyes but then quickly widened them again, shocked to see that the blinding light source was only a small crack from behind a curtain.

"Where are we?" she asked. "I don't remember anything."

"I don't know," Luke replied, looking around the room again, trying to find any clue. But it was just too dark, and Luke didn't want to turn on the lights. "Do you remember what happened last night Leia?"

Grasping her head, Leia went deep in thought for a moment, but then shook her head. "No," she replied. "Just bits and pieces, but they don't make sense."

Suddenly, Luke was overcome by a wave of sickness. Desperately turning away from Leia, he managed to find the doorway to a bathroom. Right as the vomit left his mouth, Luke rounded into the bathroom and puked. Unfortunately, Han was sitting next to the toilet vomiting, so some of Luke's got on him.

"Hey! Watch where you shoot!" Han yelled, quickly wiping the sick off of his vest before turning to the toilet to vomit again.

"H-Han," Luke said weakly, wiping left over vomit from his mouth. "What happened?"

"Isn't it obvious, kid?" Han groaned. "You have a hangover. Join the club." Another round of vomiting followed by the smuggler.

"A hangover?" Luke said, aghast. "But I don't drink!"

At this, Han cocked a smile. "Last night you did."

"What is going on in there?" Leia asked, appearing in the doorway next to Luke. Then, seeing the vomit, she looked away. "Oh by the Force," she cringed.

"Hey, the stuff on the floor is the kid's," Han replied.

"Han thinks we all have hangovers," Luke turned to Leia, his eyes still wide. "You don't think we do, do you Leia?"

"I hope not," Leia walked in front of the mirror, eyes widening at her haggard appearance. "Although that would explain a few things."

"No it wouldn't," Luke responded. "When did we get drunk? How did we get drunk? What were we doing getting drunk?"

"Tone it down Luke," Han groaned. "I'm sure there's a logical explanation. It's just, whenever I wake up and spend three hours next to a toilet, I'm usually recovering from a hangover."

"Luke, don't worry," Leia tried to soothe Luke, who was becoming more and more worried. "Let's just figure out where we are."

"You're not going to like it," Han spoke, a frown creasing his face.

But Leia had already walked out of the bathroom with Luke in tow, the two making their way toward the curtain.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad," Leia replied, but upon opening the curtain, she realized she was wrong. Sharing her expression was Luke, who was even more concerned. Outside their window, different pods and shuttles flew through the air, and a city as far as their eyes could see expanded onto the horizon.

"We're on Coruscant!"

SSSSSSSSSSS

Darth Vader awoke to a skull-splitting headache. Rubbing his head, the dark lord looked around to see what would have caused such a headache. But there wasn't a sound to be heard. He must have had the headache for a while and just woken up to it. Assuming he was fine, Darth Vader got up off his spot on the floor, only to fall again after a round of dizziness hit him.

*What on Coruscant?* Darth Vader thought to himself. Then, realizing where he was, he thought more alarmingly, *Why was I lying on the floor? Was I attacked? Is the Emperor safe?*

Standing up slowly, Darth Vader began to exit the room, when he realized he was in the Emperor's Throne Room of the main Imperial Tower on Coruscant. And to his utter shock, the Emperor was not in his usual chair overlooking the main square of the city that surrounded them. Pressing a button on his arm, Vader waited until he heard a voice in his ear.

"L-Lord Vader?" Admiral Piett asked.

"Admiral, where is the Emperor?" After saying this, Vader heard several distinct shouts followed by smashing and clanging in the background. Recognizing these as the Emperor's, Vader became greatly confused. What was the Emperor doing? And why was he so angry? Of course the Emperor was angry often, but he usually never showed it to such a degree.

"He's coming to you," Admiral Piett said finally. Turning the link off, Vader was just about to open the door, when Emperor Palpatine burst through.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS DARTH VADER?" the Emperor swore, the doors breaking off their hinges behind him, and the windows overlooking the city cracking. Vader was speechless as he stared at the figure before him. Well, that wasn't entirely true. For the first time in years, the Dark Lord had to suppress a snicker.

For the great Emperor Palpatine's Sith robes were bright pink.

SSSSSSSSS

"W-we're on Coruscant," Luke stuttered for the fifth time. After an hour, he hadn't been able to accept the fact yet.

"Come on Luke," Leia shook Luke's shoulders. "You need to wash up. We might as well use a refresher while we can." Han made his way over to the kid and helped him up.

"Come on kid," the smuggler tried to comfort Luke. "Once we find the Falcon, it will be smooth sailing right off this planet. And I think I'm beginning to remember where I might have left her."

"Really?" asked Luke in a daze.

"Yeah, so why don't you go on in there and freshen up and we can get going," Han suggested, and placing Luke in the cleaned bathroom, closed the door gently. After hearing the refresher being turned on, Han went back to Leia, who was looking through the window.

"Do you really remember where the Falcon is?" Leia asked, keeping her eyes on the bustling city around them.

"Not a clue," Han shrugged his shoulders. "But after the kid freshens up maybe he'll remember a thing or too."

"I'm just worried for him," Leia looked down at her feet, her somber voice more ominous than usual. "This is where Vader and the Emperor live. If word gets out that Luke is here on Coruscant…" Leia closed her eyes and cringed, not wanting to think about it.

"Hey," Han went over to Leia and wrapped his arms around her. "Everything's going to be okay. We'll protect the kid and make sure nothing happens to him." As Han was comforting Leia, he went to put his hands over hers when something sharp poked him.

"Ow," Han hissed, taking his finger in his hand and making sure there wasn't any blood. "Since when do you wear rings Leia?"

Leia looked at her hand, only to gasp. "This isn't just any ring," she spoke, her eyes wide. Sliding the ring off her finger, she played with it in her hands, rubbing the little gold band and the diamond that sat on top of it. "It's a wedding ring."

"WHAT?" Han roared. "When did you get married? And who did you get married to?"

Leia looked over to Han's hand, only to have her eyes widen even further. Looking down at his other hand, Han was stunned as his eyes glanced over the small gold ring placed perfectly on his fourth finger.

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Finally! It's so good to be writing Star Wars again! Only this time, it's a bit more on the humor side. Please read and review, there are more surprises on the way!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars! Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, Lucasfilm, and all other rightful and respected owners! Enjoy!

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_Star Wars: A Drunk Tale_

_Part 2-The Vodka Strikes Back_

Darth Vader stood silent as the Emperor paced back and forth in his…bright pink robes. The Dark Lord had never seen anything like it. The great Darth Sidious ruling over his vast empire in pink? For the millionth time, Darth Vader suppressed a snicker.

"Whoever did this to us will suffer the wrath of the Sith!" the Emperor roared. "Of all the ignorant and stupid acts, this is one of pure idiocy!"

"Agreed," Darth Vader replied.

"Just be glad you didn't suffer the same fate as I," the Emperor sat on his throne with a flourish.

*So dramatic,* mused Darth Vader, careful to hide his thoughts. The Emperor put his face in his hands. After a short period of silence, he spoke again.

"Well don't just stand there Vader, find out what happened," Sidious barked.

"I have tried to remember, my master," Darth Vader responded. "But every time I attempt to remember, the Force pushes me away. I am still too sick from whatever happened last night to use the Force."

"As am I," the Emperor sighed. "Do your suit's biometric scanners show any abnormalities?"

"I will check," Vader pressed a button on his chest plate. A few seconds later, hundreds of statistics popped up on the red screens that covered his eyes. As he scrolled through, Vader found no apparent increases in the numbers; they were the same as the last time he had checked.

"Anything?" the Emperor asked, his head still in his hands.

"Not that I can-wait, here's something," Darth Vader noticed a particularly high number, but when he saw what it represented, he was taken aback.

"Well…what is it?" the Emperor pushed, annoyed by Vader's silence.

"My blood…alcohol level is two times what it should be," Darth Vader said aghast. "M-my master, I can assure you I have no recollection of drinking-

"Please Vader," the Emperor held up a hand. "Not so loudly. I am dealing with a tremendous headache. At least we have found something useful. That would explain everything that is happening."

"But master," Vader persisted. "How did we get drunk? Did someone get us drunk on purpose? What happened while we were drunk?"

"Vader," Sidious snapped. "I don't know. But we will find out, alright? Now stop shouting."

Suddenly the speaker to the room turned on, and Admiral Piett's voice crackled through.

"My lords," the Admiral spoke. "Shall I send up your…friends from last night?"

Darth Vader and the Emperor looked at each other, their eyes narrowing as the Admiral hesitated on the word 'friends'.

"Yes, send them in," the Emperor commanded. Then, in a low whisper, he spoke to Darth Vader, "Get your light saber ready apprentice." Nodding, Darth Vader reached onto his belt and unclipped his lightsaber. For some reason, the lightsaber seemed to weigh a little lighter than usual, but Vader pushed the thought aside as the door to the room opened. Igniting his saber, Darth Vader prepared to fight as…a high heeled foot stepped in? Both Vader and the Emperor watched aghast as three promiscuously dressed women stepped into the room, all three holding expressions of giddy stupidity.

"Hey!" one of them called, her eyes on Vader. "Look who's finally awake!" Frozen in confusion, Darth Vader did not move as two of the women walked rather scandalously over to him while the other slinked over to the Emperor.

As the girls looked at Vader, each batting their eyes at him flirtatiously, the dark lord took in the confusing sight. One of the women had bright blue skin and had long black hair that was pulled back into a loose braid. Her eyes were vivid green along with her lips, and she wore a matching green outfit (or the remnants of an outfit) that wrapped tightly around her body and only covered her breasts and her butt. The other woman had cream colored skin and bright red hair which fell to her shoulders. Fierce blue eyes and high cheekbones made up the woman's face, and she too was wearing clothes that only covered her private areas.

"Wh-who are you?" Vader finally spoke. The women looked at each other and giggled. They both then looked at Vader as though he was a young child that didn't understand something. When Vader didn't say anything, puzzled expressions replaced their goofy smiles for a moment.

"Don't you remember us from last night?" the blue woman spoke, her bright green lips revealing blinding white teeth.

"No, I'm afraid not," Vader replied, glad that one of the women had the ability to speak his language.

"Oh…" the women looked at each other, each cocking an eyebrow.

"Well," the other woman continued. "I'm Daisy. And that's Sapphire. We…spent time with you last night. Well, Sapphire spent time with you last night. I was with…" her voice trailed off as her face turned into a scowl. Vader looked over to the Emperor, who appeared to be conversing with the woman who went over to him. An exasperated sigh from near him caused Vader to snap his head back to see Daisy looking around the room.

"What are you looking for?" Vader called.

"It's not what, but who," Sapphire replied with a sly smile.

"Where is he?" Daisy snapped at Sapphire. "Did that jerk honestly leave me?"

"I wouldn't be surprised," Sapphire responded as she lazily picked at her nails. "He doesn't seem like the very faithful type."

"I thought if he wasn't anywhere else in the palace then he'd be in here!" Daisy rolled her eyes.

"Excuse me ladies, but who are you talking about?" Darth Vader interrupted. Both Daisy and Sapphire just looked at each other, as though they were annoyed that Darth Vader was pretending not to know who they were talking about. Daisy went over to the window and peered out of it, trying to look down at the bustling square below.

"Sapphire," Darth Vader approached the woman. "Both the Emperor and I truly do not remember what happened last night. Who was with us last night?"

"You should remember," Daisy called from her spot from the window. "He _is_ your son."

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Thoroughly confused? I wouldn't be surprised, but just bear with me! Oh and I'm not really good at writing slash or any kind of sexy stuff yet, so Daisy and Sapphire (as i'm sure you've figured out what they are) are there more for comedy than for me to actually have them paired with Vader and Luke. Thanks again for reading and any reviews are appreciated!


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